KiasuParents' Young Writer's Contest 2012 : Scores & comments from panel of judges

The contest has since closed and a few English teachers from reputable tuition centres were invited to score all the essays shortisted for the Young Writers Contest. 

Here's sharing how the panel of judges scored DD2's entry.



Duncan Rose,
Head of Schools,
British Council Singapore.

A well-written piece of work. This contained some odd phrasing such as ‘for the elder’ and occasional errors with absent prepositions. The format of the reported speech could be improved as well. Content was strong with a good lexical range and few tense errors.

Total : 8/10

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Neo Yi Qun,
Beautyful Minds

Content: 4

Candidate effectively conveys sincerity in her appreciation of those who are important in her life. Anecdotal encounters with each character progress systematically. They do not come across to the reader as being forced or feigned. A certain maturity of thought is observed through candidate's writing. Overall relevant to the topic. 

Language 4.2

Appropriate use of interjections in speech but the first paragraph went too heavy on conversations. Grammar is largely immaculate other than a couple of minor grammatical and punctuational errors. E.g 'my love ones' vs 'my loved ones' (correct)
Good sentence variation and mixture of voices. Writing does not require extensive vocabulary to convey thoughts effectively. However, it is mildly on the lacking spectrum. 

Total : 8.2/10
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Raihan Miskam,

The Write Connection

Strengths:

Ample use of transition words and phrases to connect ideas within and across paragraphs
Writer's voice is authentic and imbedded within the textual information
Uses precise words to show, and not tell
Good language skills, fluent writing

Weakness:

Writing has an interesting beginning, however it lacks a clear meaningful thesis statement.
Conclusion is unclear, does not bring closure to the essay.

The stream of consciousness style of writing is not suitable for the topic given. Topic given requires an expository style of writing. 

Total : 6/10
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David Squires,
Centre Director (Tiong Bahru)

Kip McGrath

The writer has a reasonably good vocabulary. There are some good phrases, (a loud guffaw, quipped) which the student sometimes used effectively. The passage starts with direct speech which is a common and appropriate way to begin. As the writing goes on though it seems to lack unity. It is not clear what the writer is trying to achieve and it almost comes across as 4 or 5 quite separate pieces of writing which had been written to reach the required word count. It would have been interesting if the writer had extended the telephone conversation to Nadya and managed to weave all of the separate reflections into the one conversation giving it a more cohesive feel.

Total : 7/10

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Esmonde Luo Jiawen,

The Alternative Story.

Vocabulary:  2/3
Grammar:  2/3
Content:  3/4
Total:  7/10

Comments: Generally an ambitious piece. Long, nice, sentences were attempted - a useful skill to master. However, some of them were flawed. On a whole, the grammar was pretty solid; a wider range of vocabulary would have been appreciated, though the writing was generally engaging. The writer shows a heartening maturity when it comes to connecting with his/her kin, and it is this that shines through in the writing.